I have a question for all the male subbies out there who are already in a relationship with someone and yet decides to seek a partner in BDSM outside of this relationship. I see loads of ads from male subs who seek a Domme/couple for different sorts of BDSM (with or without sex being involved). They often say that the wife/girlfriend does not know about it (and those I've asked are dead sure this is something that would devastate their relationship entirely).
But, hey, this is a person you're planning to spend quite a few years with, possibly the rest of your lives, aye? Don't you think it would be totally unfair to hide a side of yourself from this person? And even worse, isn't it very unfair to seek to satisfy these lusts outside of your relationship without her approval?
Are you guys fully aware of the fact that you are unfaithful pigs being controlled by the wrong head and not men enough to stand for your own lusts?
If BDSM and being a sub is so important to you that you need to fulfill it, be men enough to do it the right way. Tell your girlfriend/wife about it and give her the chance to decide if this is something she will a) like, b) be able to do now and then because she loves you, or d) decide she doesn't like it, but lets you find someone else to fulfill the lust with, or e) decide she won't do any of the above, and demands you to do as she says and stop the nonsense (which is, in fact, a form of domination, so you're lucky in a twisted kind of way), or f) decide she hates you and kicks you out.
Either way, if you're a good lad you give her the chance to decide for herself if she likes these activities or not. Believe it or not, but you do not know if this is something your lady likes or not. For all you know she could be wanting the exact same thing and never dare tell you about it. Please, give me one very good reason why it is better to risk devastating your relationship utterly and completely by being unfaithful than risking a bit of quarrels and slamming doors for a while till it settles down, one way or another.
Would you be happy if you discovered it was the other way around and that your girlfriend/wife was satisfied sexually with other men without your knowledge and approval? That she willingly risked everything you'd built up together to get an advanced orgasm, without first checking if you'd be willing to play with her?
I know that if a guy let me down that way, I would not be happy at all. In fact, he'd better be on the other side of the planet, or even better, the other side of the galaxy when I found out.
Think about what you're doing before you do it. And think hard.
27/05/2007
How to find a Domme?
Ever since I first took my careful steps into the world of BDSM some three years ago, male subs have been sending me PMs asking "How can I find a Domme?" Why they ask me I can't even begin to imagine since I, with my only 23 years, don't have all that much experience with dating (and the experiences I do have are mostly of the negative sort).
Anyways, they do ask, and I sometimes even bother to reply (sorry guys, but since I've got better things to do than play I'm 'Ask Laura', I never guarantee a reply to something that doesn't really interest me). There is a book for the girls called The Kinky Girl's Guide to Dating, written by Luna Grey. It's a funny book, and there really should be one for the boys as well, so I wouldn't have to get all these questions (which I bet they've asked a gazillion other ladies as well!).
My good advise: Join online networks and participate in the forums. Write a good profile showing a bit of who you are, making you unique, and do NOT come across as anything near desperate. Sounding at least partly intelligent might be a good idea too ;-P Basically, what I mean is, don't write some crap like "30, M, sub, looking for strict Domme to give me hard discipline with a whip and fuck my ass with a strap-on." No, no, no... That's not even remotely intelligent, lad. Try something like:
"Hi! I'm (nick) and I live in (general area (tis' the Internet, so better not be too specific)). I'm (age) old and I'm (a student/working/etc). I consider my personality to be such and such. My interests are (insert the most important interests here). (Insert some more vanilla bla, bla, bla).
Within BDSM I'm a (sub/masochist/whatever). I became interested in this part of sexuality (time) ago, and I have (no/some/long/or more specific time) experience. For me, BDSM is (a spice in the bedroom with some kinky play now and then/a lifestyle/a way of self-realization/whatever).
I am currently looking for a Domme who is looking for a sub for (serious relationship/BDSM on a friendly basis/random play/whatever).
Cheers,
(nick)"
Note that this profile doesn't mention specific activities, most Domme's I know prefer talking about activities at a later time, when they know some more about the sub. Myself, and the Dommes I know, are more interested in what the person can offer as a person, regardless of BDSM. If we get interested in more than plain friendship we'll either bring the subject up ourselves or wait for the sub to do so (be careful to wait with that till you feel certain she is interested, and don't wait too long, so it's not a hard fall if you're not compatible at all).
However, if you're simply looking for random play, it might be a good idea to include the most important activities as well as your absolute levels.
Another point: If you're not single, say so in your profile! And also mention whether this is secret from your girlfriend/wife or if she knows and is OK with it (in that case, be prepared that some Dommes will require proof). Never, ever lie about this point! And don't excuse yourself with "My wife doesn't understand me", because we perfectly well know that really means "I've never told my wife about this and I'm too scared to tell her in case she'll kick me out."
And lastly: Make it personal, don't just follow this guide to the point, make it a presentation of you. And if you have any good quotes that says something you agree with, add it at the bottom. It could be from a philosopher, some sort of science or from literature, or even a poem.
Another way of meeting Dommes is becoming active in the BDSM societies. Go to a munch, a club, or some other place where kinky people meet up.
"But, I want this to be secret." Ah, but there's the choice you have to make. To find a Domme you usually need to meet people. Think about it. You might not meet a Domme at the munch or club, but maybe you talk to some other random people and they get a really good impression of you. Say these people just happen to know of a Domme who is single and/or looking for (a/another) sub, they just might mention you to this woman and introduce you to her at some point. Avoid asking people if they know someone who is looking for a sub, unless you know these people well and know they think well of you. If you're a stranger to them, chances are great that they won't tell you about that possible Domme. Generally, they probably won't send a complete stranger they know nothing about to their friend.
Also, being active and willingness to get to know people will show many of us that you are serious about this and not just another wanker or a man looking for someone to fulfill the fantasies his wife/girlfriend won't do.
And remember, most of the people in the scene are in the same shoes as you. Many have friends/family/colleagues and several other reasons not to let people outside know about their bedroom activities. That doesn't stop them from joining the scene. And many clubs have rules about not outing people and not revealing things about other members without their permission.
I'm sure there are things I've forgotten, but these are some random thoughts about the issue of dating.
Anyways, they do ask, and I sometimes even bother to reply (sorry guys, but since I've got better things to do than play I'm 'Ask Laura', I never guarantee a reply to something that doesn't really interest me). There is a book for the girls called The Kinky Girl's Guide to Dating, written by Luna Grey. It's a funny book, and there really should be one for the boys as well, so I wouldn't have to get all these questions (which I bet they've asked a gazillion other ladies as well!).
My good advise: Join online networks and participate in the forums. Write a good profile showing a bit of who you are, making you unique, and do NOT come across as anything near desperate. Sounding at least partly intelligent might be a good idea too ;-P Basically, what I mean is, don't write some crap like "30, M, sub, looking for strict Domme to give me hard discipline with a whip and fuck my ass with a strap-on." No, no, no... That's not even remotely intelligent, lad. Try something like:
"Hi! I'm (nick) and I live in (general area (tis' the Internet, so better not be too specific)). I'm (age) old and I'm (a student/working/etc). I consider my personality to be such and such. My interests are (insert the most important interests here). (Insert some more vanilla bla, bla, bla).
Within BDSM I'm a (sub/masochist/whatever). I became interested in this part of sexuality (time) ago, and I have (no/some/long/or more specific time) experience. For me, BDSM is (a spice in the bedroom with some kinky play now and then/a lifestyle/a way of self-realization/whatever).
I am currently looking for a Domme who is looking for a sub for (serious relationship/BDSM on a friendly basis/random play/whatever).
Cheers,
(nick)"
Note that this profile doesn't mention specific activities, most Domme's I know prefer talking about activities at a later time, when they know some more about the sub. Myself, and the Dommes I know, are more interested in what the person can offer as a person, regardless of BDSM. If we get interested in more than plain friendship we'll either bring the subject up ourselves or wait for the sub to do so (be careful to wait with that till you feel certain she is interested, and don't wait too long, so it's not a hard fall if you're not compatible at all).
However, if you're simply looking for random play, it might be a good idea to include the most important activities as well as your absolute levels.
Another point: If you're not single, say so in your profile! And also mention whether this is secret from your girlfriend/wife or if she knows and is OK with it (in that case, be prepared that some Dommes will require proof). Never, ever lie about this point! And don't excuse yourself with "My wife doesn't understand me", because we perfectly well know that really means "I've never told my wife about this and I'm too scared to tell her in case she'll kick me out."
And lastly: Make it personal, don't just follow this guide to the point, make it a presentation of you. And if you have any good quotes that says something you agree with, add it at the bottom. It could be from a philosopher, some sort of science or from literature, or even a poem.
Another way of meeting Dommes is becoming active in the BDSM societies. Go to a munch, a club, or some other place where kinky people meet up.
"But, I want this to be secret." Ah, but there's the choice you have to make. To find a Domme you usually need to meet people. Think about it. You might not meet a Domme at the munch or club, but maybe you talk to some other random people and they get a really good impression of you. Say these people just happen to know of a Domme who is single and/or looking for (a/another) sub, they just might mention you to this woman and introduce you to her at some point. Avoid asking people if they know someone who is looking for a sub, unless you know these people well and know they think well of you. If you're a stranger to them, chances are great that they won't tell you about that possible Domme. Generally, they probably won't send a complete stranger they know nothing about to their friend.
Also, being active and willingness to get to know people will show many of us that you are serious about this and not just another wanker or a man looking for someone to fulfill the fantasies his wife/girlfriend won't do.
And remember, most of the people in the scene are in the same shoes as you. Many have friends/family/colleagues and several other reasons not to let people outside know about their bedroom activities. That doesn't stop them from joining the scene. And many clubs have rules about not outing people and not revealing things about other members without their permission.
I'm sure there are things I've forgotten, but these are some random thoughts about the issue of dating.
22/05/2007
Old blog posts resurrected III
Tis' from early fall 2006, when I discovered some guy I'd dated had a gf *s*
___
And believe it or not, I am (or rather, was) "the other woman", one of them, at least.
See, on Sunday morning I woke up to see someone totally unknown for me had called me as much as eight time during the night. I did a phonenumber search and found out that the number belongs to a girl I've never heard of in my life. I sent her an SMS to ask who she was, but received no reply.
During a break in a lecture today I was bored, so I figured I'd do a clean-out on my phone, and all of a sudden messages since Thursday started ticking in... No wonder I'd thought it was a damn quiet weekend and disappointed that friends didn't reply to my messages.... :wassat:
Anyways, messages had come in from that girl, and it appeared she's the girlfriend of a guy I flirted with after Christmas (in the start of January, so a long time ago). Apparently she'd been reading messages on his phone (what idiot actually keeps messages like that...?). Besides he was single back then (or so he'd told me).
So I replied to her that we did flirt a bit a long time ago, and then she wanted to know all sorts of details... Like exactly when, what kind of flirting, did we have sex, were we drunk or sober, and when did it happen. So I told her it was just one evening a little after Christmas, that we messed a bit, we were sober, and we had no sex. I also said I don't remember the details.
We talked a bit more over SMS and it appears they've been together for two years. And it seems I'm not the only one he's been taking liberties with. I let her know I stay far away from guys who are taken to avoid situations like this. And also told her I'd heard rumors of him going out on town with mates to mess with girls, and that he'd told a lot of people he was single just before summer.
In the end she let me know she's going to (friggin!) forgive the idiot! And not only that, she said she'd let him go on messing about with other girls if that's what she's got to do to keep him.
Good lordy girl... what the f**k do you want with a guy who obviously doesn't respect you one bit! A guy who obviously doesn't care one shit about you. A guy who doesn't even bother to remove all evidence of being unfaithful?
:angry:
___
And believe it or not, I am (or rather, was) "the other woman", one of them, at least.
See, on Sunday morning I woke up to see someone totally unknown for me had called me as much as eight time during the night. I did a phonenumber search and found out that the number belongs to a girl I've never heard of in my life. I sent her an SMS to ask who she was, but received no reply.
During a break in a lecture today I was bored, so I figured I'd do a clean-out on my phone, and all of a sudden messages since Thursday started ticking in... No wonder I'd thought it was a damn quiet weekend and disappointed that friends didn't reply to my messages.... :wassat:
Anyways, messages had come in from that girl, and it appeared she's the girlfriend of a guy I flirted with after Christmas (in the start of January, so a long time ago). Apparently she'd been reading messages on his phone (what idiot actually keeps messages like that...?). Besides he was single back then (or so he'd told me).
So I replied to her that we did flirt a bit a long time ago, and then she wanted to know all sorts of details... Like exactly when, what kind of flirting, did we have sex, were we drunk or sober, and when did it happen. So I told her it was just one evening a little after Christmas, that we messed a bit, we were sober, and we had no sex. I also said I don't remember the details.
We talked a bit more over SMS and it appears they've been together for two years. And it seems I'm not the only one he's been taking liberties with. I let her know I stay far away from guys who are taken to avoid situations like this. And also told her I'd heard rumors of him going out on town with mates to mess with girls, and that he'd told a lot of people he was single just before summer.
In the end she let me know she's going to (friggin!) forgive the idiot! And not only that, she said she'd let him go on messing about with other girls if that's what she's got to do to keep him.
Good lordy girl... what the f**k do you want with a guy who obviously doesn't respect you one bit! A guy who obviously doesn't care one shit about you. A guy who doesn't even bother to remove all evidence of being unfaithful?
:angry:
Old blog posts resurrected II
Now, tis' from fall 2006, so my thoughts have changed somewhat since then, but a lot of it still applies!
I am used to dealing with subs who are very service oriented. Not that I have dated very many subs, but I know plenty of them and I have come to know how many subs think. The subs I am talking about like pleasing the Dominant, they want to make sure the Dominant is always well and happy, because they know (either because they are reflective of these kind of things or because they learned through experience) that a happy Dominant is an inspired Dominant who just may have the time and energy to think up the funniest of things (funny depending on who you are and the way you think, of course... I'm talking of funny in a kinky setting).
Now, on the other hand, there is the kind of sub who seems to think he's in for an easy ride. My first experience with a male sub was of this type, and other Doms can confirm that they exist among female subs as well. This kind of subs think they can just lean back and relax, because the Dominant is, of course, supposed to make the decisions about what's going to happen here. They seem to think that they can get what they want when they want it, the Dominant can read their minds and the Dom is there to give them the treat they want. They just want to be 'taken', and of course the Dom always knows exactly how to do that. So when I asked this first sub if there was anything special he'd like to happen in a future setting, he'd just say that was up to me, I decide everything. I was in need of inspiration, this guy flatly refused to communicate and he did not give me the attention I needed. And I'm not talking about dinners at fancy restaurants or a full treatment at the spa (though I certainly wouldn't object to that!), what I wanted was the small things, like a message when I woke up saying he hoped I'd slept well, things like that, just that he'd show he cared. He never did any of those things, he never really showed any interest in ME. He also cancelled a date because he'd rather go skiing with a mate. And he never contacted me unless a couple of weeks passed and he didn't hear from me, so he probably got worried. Needless to say, this dating didn't get very serious.
So what did I learn from my experience? Many things. I don't want a sub who doesn't show that he cares, who doesn't reply when I send messages. When I ask a sub if he's doing OK, I want him to reply with his answer AND ask the same question in return. Who wants a guy who doesn't care about you (or rather, doesn't show that he cares)? I learned that if other things are more interesting than me, then he's probably not worth my time (unless there's something going on, like health and death and other emergencies). I mean, seriously, who would rather go skiing than receiving a good spanking?!
The problem with this lesson is that I have kind of created two categories of subs: the good ones and the lazy bastards. Who would've thought that there might be some people who might be placed in a category in between? Someone who doesn't appear to be perfect, far from it, but who isn't a lazy bastard? I think I've just learned a hard lesson these last couple of days. I'm not going to write about it here now, I still need to think about it a bit. In the meantime, I really should listen to Alanis Morisette's "Ironic" just one more time. Because really, isn't it ironic?
I am used to dealing with subs who are very service oriented. Not that I have dated very many subs, but I know plenty of them and I have come to know how many subs think. The subs I am talking about like pleasing the Dominant, they want to make sure the Dominant is always well and happy, because they know (either because they are reflective of these kind of things or because they learned through experience) that a happy Dominant is an inspired Dominant who just may have the time and energy to think up the funniest of things (funny depending on who you are and the way you think, of course... I'm talking of funny in a kinky setting).
Now, on the other hand, there is the kind of sub who seems to think he's in for an easy ride. My first experience with a male sub was of this type, and other Doms can confirm that they exist among female subs as well. This kind of subs think they can just lean back and relax, because the Dominant is, of course, supposed to make the decisions about what's going to happen here. They seem to think that they can get what they want when they want it, the Dominant can read their minds and the Dom is there to give them the treat they want. They just want to be 'taken', and of course the Dom always knows exactly how to do that. So when I asked this first sub if there was anything special he'd like to happen in a future setting, he'd just say that was up to me, I decide everything. I was in need of inspiration, this guy flatly refused to communicate and he did not give me the attention I needed. And I'm not talking about dinners at fancy restaurants or a full treatment at the spa (though I certainly wouldn't object to that!), what I wanted was the small things, like a message when I woke up saying he hoped I'd slept well, things like that, just that he'd show he cared. He never did any of those things, he never really showed any interest in ME. He also cancelled a date because he'd rather go skiing with a mate. And he never contacted me unless a couple of weeks passed and he didn't hear from me, so he probably got worried. Needless to say, this dating didn't get very serious.
So what did I learn from my experience? Many things. I don't want a sub who doesn't show that he cares, who doesn't reply when I send messages. When I ask a sub if he's doing OK, I want him to reply with his answer AND ask the same question in return. Who wants a guy who doesn't care about you (or rather, doesn't show that he cares)? I learned that if other things are more interesting than me, then he's probably not worth my time (unless there's something going on, like health and death and other emergencies). I mean, seriously, who would rather go skiing than receiving a good spanking?!
The problem with this lesson is that I have kind of created two categories of subs: the good ones and the lazy bastards. Who would've thought that there might be some people who might be placed in a category in between? Someone who doesn't appear to be perfect, far from it, but who isn't a lazy bastard? I think I've just learned a hard lesson these last couple of days. I'm not going to write about it here now, I still need to think about it a bit. In the meantime, I really should listen to Alanis Morisette's "Ironic" just one more time. Because really, isn't it ironic?
Old blog posts resurrected I
One question I continuously get from the all the curious subbies out there is: "What do you like?" Or some other forms of exactly the same: "What are you into? How do you Dominate?"
I will try to answer that question here, though bear in mind that it is not all that easy for different kinds of reasons: I like many different scenarios/activities, and listing it all like a script would take way too much time and imagination as it's not all worked out in my head here and now. What I like doing with one sub probably won't be what I like doing with another, so asking me what I like to do to my subs isn't a very bright question (no pun intended), and asking me what I'd like to do to you (usually a complete stranger) is simply impossible to answer as I don't know you and probably never will get to know you enough to even think of playing with you. Also, I'm not a very experienced Domme, I have only Dominated a few times yet, and I loved it, of course. I'm very hard to get and careful about who I play with (I do learn from my experiences) and there aren't that many interesting subs where I live (no pun intended to those who have been turned down).
Anyways, so what do I like? This certainly won't be a complete answer, but hell, you need some surprises, aye? I'll just be taking the larger picture here, the details are for private play with whoever I get my hands on next *s*
And no, you're not permitted to wank off while reading this! If you do anyway, consider yourself whapped really hard with my eeefil cane!
1. The Goddess/worshipper scenario: I love being worshipped. This could include worshipping the different parts of My body (foot-worship, hand-worship, cunnilingus, facesitting, massage, etc), or perhaps My shoes or whatever it is I'd like My sub to worship.
2. The Lady/servant scenario: Imagine the subbie dressed up as a servant (or maid if it's a girl or a crossdresser), giving his/her Lady a bath, massage, dressing Her, painting Her nails, maybe even do the make-up, and other duties the personal servant/maid might have. And if the subbie did badly there'd be punishment in form of using a hairbrush, a tawse or a paddle, perhaps. This scenario could also include going shopping, the subbie would be carrying the Lady's bags and commenting on how lovely She looks in the outfits She's trying on (or shoes or whatever), and maybe being Her private chauffeur (if the sub's got a car, I don't even have a licence).
3. The Governess/child or Teacher/pupil scenario: I think these two scenarios are so close to each other that they come under the same heading. One is old-fashioned, probably Victorian or even older, the other can be more modern (50's style?). Either way, the scenario involves some way of teaching and being taught. Equipment might include costumes (Victorian or 50's?), a black-board, books (one idea is proper etiquette รก la 19th century, or perhaps why woman is really above man, etc), punishment for bad behaviour might be use of a tawse or a cane.
4. The Torture Chamber scenario: I'm a sadist, I love giving pain (or other kinds of physical stimulation) and see the reactions. This game might include the sub being tied to a bench and tortured by different means: hot wax, whipping, CBT, clothes-pins, etc.
5. Pony-play: Let's go for a ride! The subbie is transformed into a pony, wearing a harness, with bridle and tail and all, and attached to a cart. Does this really need any more description? It looks just too funny and it's one of the things I just must try when I get the chance!
Of course, there are loads of other things I like as well, but these examples are what's currently on the top of my head.
I will try to answer that question here, though bear in mind that it is not all that easy for different kinds of reasons: I like many different scenarios/activities, and listing it all like a script would take way too much time and imagination as it's not all worked out in my head here and now. What I like doing with one sub probably won't be what I like doing with another, so asking me what I like to do to my subs isn't a very bright question (no pun intended), and asking me what I'd like to do to you (usually a complete stranger) is simply impossible to answer as I don't know you and probably never will get to know you enough to even think of playing with you. Also, I'm not a very experienced Domme, I have only Dominated a few times yet, and I loved it, of course. I'm very hard to get and careful about who I play with (I do learn from my experiences) and there aren't that many interesting subs where I live (no pun intended to those who have been turned down).
Anyways, so what do I like? This certainly won't be a complete answer, but hell, you need some surprises, aye? I'll just be taking the larger picture here, the details are for private play with whoever I get my hands on next *s*
And no, you're not permitted to wank off while reading this! If you do anyway, consider yourself whapped really hard with my eeefil cane!
1. The Goddess/worshipper scenario: I love being worshipped. This could include worshipping the different parts of My body (foot-worship, hand-worship, cunnilingus, facesitting, massage, etc), or perhaps My shoes or whatever it is I'd like My sub to worship.
2. The Lady/servant scenario: Imagine the subbie dressed up as a servant (or maid if it's a girl or a crossdresser), giving his/her Lady a bath, massage, dressing Her, painting Her nails, maybe even do the make-up, and other duties the personal servant/maid might have. And if the subbie did badly there'd be punishment in form of using a hairbrush, a tawse or a paddle, perhaps. This scenario could also include going shopping, the subbie would be carrying the Lady's bags and commenting on how lovely She looks in the outfits She's trying on (or shoes or whatever), and maybe being Her private chauffeur (if the sub's got a car, I don't even have a licence).
3. The Governess/child or Teacher/pupil scenario: I think these two scenarios are so close to each other that they come under the same heading. One is old-fashioned, probably Victorian or even older, the other can be more modern (50's style?). Either way, the scenario involves some way of teaching and being taught. Equipment might include costumes (Victorian or 50's?), a black-board, books (one idea is proper etiquette รก la 19th century, or perhaps why woman is really above man, etc), punishment for bad behaviour might be use of a tawse or a cane.
4. The Torture Chamber scenario: I'm a sadist, I love giving pain (or other kinds of physical stimulation) and see the reactions. This game might include the sub being tied to a bench and tortured by different means: hot wax, whipping, CBT, clothes-pins, etc.
5. Pony-play: Let's go for a ride! The subbie is transformed into a pony, wearing a harness, with bridle and tail and all, and attached to a cart. Does this really need any more description? It looks just too funny and it's one of the things I just must try when I get the chance!
Of course, there are loads of other things I like as well, but these examples are what's currently on the top of my head.
My first post
So, I thought it might be a good idea to start a new blog, separate from the 'serious' one, as a place where I can write about things I don't want to be connected to the 'real' me, so that my other blog can be open to people who should not know about certain sides of me and my life.
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