I have a question for all the male subbies out there who are already in a relationship with someone and yet decides to seek a partner in BDSM outside of this relationship. I see loads of ads from male subs who seek a Domme/couple for different sorts of BDSM (with or without sex being involved). They often say that the wife/girlfriend does not know about it (and those I've asked are dead sure this is something that would devastate their relationship entirely).
But, hey, this is a person you're planning to spend quite a few years with, possibly the rest of your lives, aye? Don't you think it would be totally unfair to hide a side of yourself from this person? And even worse, isn't it very unfair to seek to satisfy these lusts outside of your relationship without her approval?
Are you guys fully aware of the fact that you are unfaithful pigs being controlled by the wrong head and not men enough to stand for your own lusts?
If BDSM and being a sub is so important to you that you need to fulfill it, be men enough to do it the right way. Tell your girlfriend/wife about it and give her the chance to decide if this is something she will a) like, b) be able to do now and then because she loves you, or d) decide she doesn't like it, but lets you find someone else to fulfill the lust with, or e) decide she won't do any of the above, and demands you to do as she says and stop the nonsense (which is, in fact, a form of domination, so you're lucky in a twisted kind of way), or f) decide she hates you and kicks you out.
Either way, if you're a good lad you give her the chance to decide for herself if she likes these activities or not. Believe it or not, but you do not know if this is something your lady likes or not. For all you know she could be wanting the exact same thing and never dare tell you about it. Please, give me one very good reason why it is better to risk devastating your relationship utterly and completely by being unfaithful than risking a bit of quarrels and slamming doors for a while till it settles down, one way or another.
Would you be happy if you discovered it was the other way around and that your girlfriend/wife was satisfied sexually with other men without your knowledge and approval? That she willingly risked everything you'd built up together to get an advanced orgasm, without first checking if you'd be willing to play with her?
I know that if a guy let me down that way, I would not be happy at all. In fact, he'd better be on the other side of the planet, or even better, the other side of the galaxy when I found out.
Think about what you're doing before you do it. And think hard.
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2 comments:
I can understand where you come from on this, but I can also understand the other side of the coin as well.
Let's assume, for a moment, that this is BDSM without sex.
How much different is this from going, say, to salsa with a girl who is not your partner.
You're going to get up close and personal, hot, sweaty and probably enjoy it.
What if the wife says "I don't want you dancing because I think salsa is disgusting, you'd obviously spend all night just doing vertically what you want to do horizontally"?
Does she have that right? Does he have to make the choice between seeing his children, being with the person he loves, just because he loves salsa and she is not prepared to even look at it and realise it's not the disgusting bordello dance that she thinks it is?
I'm with you mostly, especially when emotional attachment or sexual fluids start becoming involved, but I just don't think it's as clear cut a line as you paint it to be.
Ohh, I haven't even looked at my blog in forever because of summer holidays ^_^
And a comment! Yay!
Well, of course nothing is entirely clear about this. I do understand these men, and I know several who have decided to take the risk, just so they can try the experience. I also know a few who have had active BDSM relationships before ending up in vanilla, and just couldn't manage to live without their other preferences in the long term. I understand them. But I don't entirely approve of their actions.
As for dancing the salsa, no, I don't think the jealous wife is in the right of that example. If my partner would forbid me from dancing salsa with others, just because he's jealous, I'd know there were some serious issues in the relationship that needed solving.
When it comes to BDSM, I think the man should, at the very least, try to involve the wife. For example by discussing sexual fantasies, before telling her he'd like to do some minor kinky stuff. Chances are, she might actually like it! In the case she doesn't like it, he ought to discuss with her if she would be OK if he tried out some things with a Pro Domme. If that is not OK, and he can't live without BDSM, then they have some issues to solve.
What I am against, mostly, is that many men bother Dommes who are not interested in having BDSM sessions with men who already belong to other women. I always write in my prophiles that I'm not looking for a sub, and if I am looking for a sub I state what qualities they need to have. And many of my Domme friends do the same. Still we get PMs from desperate men who are convinced their wife would hate them if they revealed they like it kinky. And that's my main issue.
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