For not too many weeks ago I entered a relationship with the bestest man in the world. We have known each other for some time, and both had feelings for the other for some time before we became a couple. I won't go into detail here, suffice to say that I am very happy about this development, as I have found and won my Prince Charming.
And, of course, he is quite as kinky as I, and we like very much the same things and have the same hard limits. And both happy with exploring new areas. I reckon it is very good to be with someone I have known as an increasingly good friend for a good while. We know a lot about each other, both strong and weak sides, and we have built up a considerable amount of trust in each other over the course of our friendship. I think we were both nervous about entering a relationship with a close friend. What if it didn't work out after all? We would risk losing not only a relationship, but also a friendship. But we took the chance. That is, he took the biggest chance, as he has as much as admitted to having no clue that I had feelings for him when he took the step. I feel highly valued that he was willing to take a risk and expressly show his feelings the way he did, and not knowing the outcome. Lucky for us both, I had been waiting for it ages, and nearly given up on him.
This post is really just to get out how happy I am :-)
06/01/2008
30/10/2007
Just treat me as a normal person, please!
Every now and then a private message pops into my inbox on different BDSM sites, sounding very much like this:
"Hello Mistress. May I have permission to speak to you, Mistress? *kneels respectfully*"
There is something very wrong about this.
First, I am not Mistress of any of these men. If I want someone to call me Mistress it's because they belong to me and I've actively requested that they call me Mistress when sending a PM or memo. If a man doesn't belong to me he has no business of calling me Mistress, and if he does belong to me I'll let him know how to address me.
Secondly, I see no reason why a man should ask me for permission to speak to me in that way. I am not his Mistress, I am just a stranger and want to be treated as such. I don't mind common courtesy, but this is just ridiculous.
I just want to be treated as an ordinary person, a stranger. Courtious, but not too much. I do not believe in too large 'gaps' between Domme and sub. First we are entirely ordinary persons and get to know each other as such, in the vanilla way of things. If we like each other we start 'dating' like in vanilla. Then, if all goes well we move on to establish some kind of relationship, which might at this point involve BDSM.
Mind you, this is just how I prefer things to be. Other Dommes will have other preferences. In general, though, my impression is that Domme's want to be treated as normal persons to start with. If they want a special way of communication from the start, they'll usually tell you in their profiles (that is my impression).
"Hello Mistress. May I have permission to speak to you, Mistress? *kneels respectfully*"
There is something very wrong about this.
First, I am not Mistress of any of these men. If I want someone to call me Mistress it's because they belong to me and I've actively requested that they call me Mistress when sending a PM or memo. If a man doesn't belong to me he has no business of calling me Mistress, and if he does belong to me I'll let him know how to address me.
Secondly, I see no reason why a man should ask me for permission to speak to me in that way. I am not his Mistress, I am just a stranger and want to be treated as such. I don't mind common courtesy, but this is just ridiculous.
I just want to be treated as an ordinary person, a stranger. Courtious, but not too much. I do not believe in too large 'gaps' between Domme and sub. First we are entirely ordinary persons and get to know each other as such, in the vanilla way of things. If we like each other we start 'dating' like in vanilla. Then, if all goes well we move on to establish some kind of relationship, which might at this point involve BDSM.
Mind you, this is just how I prefer things to be. Other Dommes will have other preferences. In general, though, my impression is that Domme's want to be treated as normal persons to start with. If they want a special way of communication from the start, they'll usually tell you in their profiles (that is my impression).
28/10/2007
The great move
It is now the end of October already, and I've lived in Swansea, Wales for over a month! Moving countries and starting a really hard Masters degree study is the reason I haven't posted here in forever. I'll try to update my blog more often, but I usually just post when I've got something on my mind that I need to get out!
I'm happy about my new town and country so far. Haven't gone to any munches yet, as I'm a really busy bee, but hopefully I'll get myself to one soon enough. And maybe even meet a nice guy and get something going in that area of life. It's been an eternity since the last time I dated, 1.5 years, since I really just needed a break from men, and then I figured I'd leave the country and didn't want to start anything new back in Norway.
I'll come back with more opinionated posts at a later date.
I'm happy about my new town and country so far. Haven't gone to any munches yet, as I'm a really busy bee, but hopefully I'll get myself to one soon enough. And maybe even meet a nice guy and get something going in that area of life. It's been an eternity since the last time I dated, 1.5 years, since I really just needed a break from men, and then I figured I'd leave the country and didn't want to start anything new back in Norway.
I'll come back with more opinionated posts at a later date.
04/09/2007
Prostitution and BDSM
It appears that there is a debate in Norwegian BDSM forums about the relationship between prostitution and BDSM. There are many views on this issue, and in my opinion, the debate has one big problem: what is prostitution? Well, prostitution is, in Norway, selling and buying sex. So what is sex?
The problem here is that it is currently not illegal to sell and buy sex. So seems not to be any clear definition about what prostitution enhances. A new law will be made soon that makes it illegal to buy sexual favours (selling it is apparently OK...), so hopefully an official definition will then be made.
As it is, sex is very unclear to those who discuss prostitution and BDSM in Norway. The reason for this is that some see prostitution as selling and buying genital/anal sex, while others see it as anything that could possibly be sexual. If two people are kissing and fondling, it's sex for some and just messing around for others, depending on the situation. So what about professional BDSM? Is it sex? Is a pro Domme selling sex when she is paid for whipping a butt, or for dressing a man up in a dress? Does a man buy sex when he pays a woman for making her make him lie under a table while she watches TV and chats with her friend on the phone? Is a pro Domme a prostitute when genitals are not involved? In my opinion: no! She's not a prostitute.
But there are those who do think she is a prostitute, because they see any form of BDSM as sex. As for me, I'm not having sex when I get my nails done, nor when I get a well deserved pedicure. And I'm not having sex when I make a guy walk around on his knees while I'm riding on his back and calling him 'pony', or having him on a leash to teach him tricks and calling him 'puppy'. Nor am I having sex if I for some reason spank his butt for being naughty. But others do seem to think manicure and pedicure is sex, if one person just happen to be dominating the other person. And it is prostitution if one of them pays the other.
I am not a pro Domme myself, but I know a few of them, and I read the blogs of several of them. And I don't have the impression that they are prostitutes. Yes, they are sex workers, but not prostitutes. If a pro Domme who does not sell genital sex is a prostitute, then a stripper must be one too!
The problem here is that it is currently not illegal to sell and buy sex. So seems not to be any clear definition about what prostitution enhances. A new law will be made soon that makes it illegal to buy sexual favours (selling it is apparently OK...), so hopefully an official definition will then be made.
As it is, sex is very unclear to those who discuss prostitution and BDSM in Norway. The reason for this is that some see prostitution as selling and buying genital/anal sex, while others see it as anything that could possibly be sexual. If two people are kissing and fondling, it's sex for some and just messing around for others, depending on the situation. So what about professional BDSM? Is it sex? Is a pro Domme selling sex when she is paid for whipping a butt, or for dressing a man up in a dress? Does a man buy sex when he pays a woman for making her make him lie under a table while she watches TV and chats with her friend on the phone? Is a pro Domme a prostitute when genitals are not involved? In my opinion: no! She's not a prostitute.
But there are those who do think she is a prostitute, because they see any form of BDSM as sex. As for me, I'm not having sex when I get my nails done, nor when I get a well deserved pedicure. And I'm not having sex when I make a guy walk around on his knees while I'm riding on his back and calling him 'pony', or having him on a leash to teach him tricks and calling him 'puppy'. Nor am I having sex if I for some reason spank his butt for being naughty. But others do seem to think manicure and pedicure is sex, if one person just happen to be dominating the other person. And it is prostitution if one of them pays the other.
I am not a pro Domme myself, but I know a few of them, and I read the blogs of several of them. And I don't have the impression that they are prostitutes. Yes, they are sex workers, but not prostitutes. If a pro Domme who does not sell genital sex is a prostitute, then a stripper must be one too!
28/05/2007
My girlfriend/wife doesn't know about this side of me
I have a question for all the male subbies out there who are already in a relationship with someone and yet decides to seek a partner in BDSM outside of this relationship. I see loads of ads from male subs who seek a Domme/couple for different sorts of BDSM (with or without sex being involved). They often say that the wife/girlfriend does not know about it (and those I've asked are dead sure this is something that would devastate their relationship entirely).
But, hey, this is a person you're planning to spend quite a few years with, possibly the rest of your lives, aye? Don't you think it would be totally unfair to hide a side of yourself from this person? And even worse, isn't it very unfair to seek to satisfy these lusts outside of your relationship without her approval?
Are you guys fully aware of the fact that you are unfaithful pigs being controlled by the wrong head and not men enough to stand for your own lusts?
If BDSM and being a sub is so important to you that you need to fulfill it, be men enough to do it the right way. Tell your girlfriend/wife about it and give her the chance to decide if this is something she will a) like, b) be able to do now and then because she loves you, or d) decide she doesn't like it, but lets you find someone else to fulfill the lust with, or e) decide she won't do any of the above, and demands you to do as she says and stop the nonsense (which is, in fact, a form of domination, so you're lucky in a twisted kind of way), or f) decide she hates you and kicks you out.
Either way, if you're a good lad you give her the chance to decide for herself if she likes these activities or not. Believe it or not, but you do not know if this is something your lady likes or not. For all you know she could be wanting the exact same thing and never dare tell you about it. Please, give me one very good reason why it is better to risk devastating your relationship utterly and completely by being unfaithful than risking a bit of quarrels and slamming doors for a while till it settles down, one way or another.
Would you be happy if you discovered it was the other way around and that your girlfriend/wife was satisfied sexually with other men without your knowledge and approval? That she willingly risked everything you'd built up together to get an advanced orgasm, without first checking if you'd be willing to play with her?
I know that if a guy let me down that way, I would not be happy at all. In fact, he'd better be on the other side of the planet, or even better, the other side of the galaxy when I found out.
Think about what you're doing before you do it. And think hard.
But, hey, this is a person you're planning to spend quite a few years with, possibly the rest of your lives, aye? Don't you think it would be totally unfair to hide a side of yourself from this person? And even worse, isn't it very unfair to seek to satisfy these lusts outside of your relationship without her approval?
Are you guys fully aware of the fact that you are unfaithful pigs being controlled by the wrong head and not men enough to stand for your own lusts?
If BDSM and being a sub is so important to you that you need to fulfill it, be men enough to do it the right way. Tell your girlfriend/wife about it and give her the chance to decide if this is something she will a) like, b) be able to do now and then because she loves you, or d) decide she doesn't like it, but lets you find someone else to fulfill the lust with, or e) decide she won't do any of the above, and demands you to do as she says and stop the nonsense (which is, in fact, a form of domination, so you're lucky in a twisted kind of way), or f) decide she hates you and kicks you out.
Either way, if you're a good lad you give her the chance to decide for herself if she likes these activities or not. Believe it or not, but you do not know if this is something your lady likes or not. For all you know she could be wanting the exact same thing and never dare tell you about it. Please, give me one very good reason why it is better to risk devastating your relationship utterly and completely by being unfaithful than risking a bit of quarrels and slamming doors for a while till it settles down, one way or another.
Would you be happy if you discovered it was the other way around and that your girlfriend/wife was satisfied sexually with other men without your knowledge and approval? That she willingly risked everything you'd built up together to get an advanced orgasm, without first checking if you'd be willing to play with her?
I know that if a guy let me down that way, I would not be happy at all. In fact, he'd better be on the other side of the planet, or even better, the other side of the galaxy when I found out.
Think about what you're doing before you do it. And think hard.
27/05/2007
How to find a Domme?
Ever since I first took my careful steps into the world of BDSM some three years ago, male subs have been sending me PMs asking "How can I find a Domme?" Why they ask me I can't even begin to imagine since I, with my only 23 years, don't have all that much experience with dating (and the experiences I do have are mostly of the negative sort).
Anyways, they do ask, and I sometimes even bother to reply (sorry guys, but since I've got better things to do than play I'm 'Ask Laura', I never guarantee a reply to something that doesn't really interest me). There is a book for the girls called The Kinky Girl's Guide to Dating, written by Luna Grey. It's a funny book, and there really should be one for the boys as well, so I wouldn't have to get all these questions (which I bet they've asked a gazillion other ladies as well!).
My good advise: Join online networks and participate in the forums. Write a good profile showing a bit of who you are, making you unique, and do NOT come across as anything near desperate. Sounding at least partly intelligent might be a good idea too ;-P Basically, what I mean is, don't write some crap like "30, M, sub, looking for strict Domme to give me hard discipline with a whip and fuck my ass with a strap-on." No, no, no... That's not even remotely intelligent, lad. Try something like:
"Hi! I'm (nick) and I live in (general area (tis' the Internet, so better not be too specific)). I'm (age) old and I'm (a student/working/etc). I consider my personality to be such and such. My interests are (insert the most important interests here). (Insert some more vanilla bla, bla, bla).
Within BDSM I'm a (sub/masochist/whatever). I became interested in this part of sexuality (time) ago, and I have (no/some/long/or more specific time) experience. For me, BDSM is (a spice in the bedroom with some kinky play now and then/a lifestyle/a way of self-realization/whatever).
I am currently looking for a Domme who is looking for a sub for (serious relationship/BDSM on a friendly basis/random play/whatever).
Cheers,
(nick)"
Note that this profile doesn't mention specific activities, most Domme's I know prefer talking about activities at a later time, when they know some more about the sub. Myself, and the Dommes I know, are more interested in what the person can offer as a person, regardless of BDSM. If we get interested in more than plain friendship we'll either bring the subject up ourselves or wait for the sub to do so (be careful to wait with that till you feel certain she is interested, and don't wait too long, so it's not a hard fall if you're not compatible at all).
However, if you're simply looking for random play, it might be a good idea to include the most important activities as well as your absolute levels.
Another point: If you're not single, say so in your profile! And also mention whether this is secret from your girlfriend/wife or if she knows and is OK with it (in that case, be prepared that some Dommes will require proof). Never, ever lie about this point! And don't excuse yourself with "My wife doesn't understand me", because we perfectly well know that really means "I've never told my wife about this and I'm too scared to tell her in case she'll kick me out."
And lastly: Make it personal, don't just follow this guide to the point, make it a presentation of you. And if you have any good quotes that says something you agree with, add it at the bottom. It could be from a philosopher, some sort of science or from literature, or even a poem.
Another way of meeting Dommes is becoming active in the BDSM societies. Go to a munch, a club, or some other place where kinky people meet up.
"But, I want this to be secret." Ah, but there's the choice you have to make. To find a Domme you usually need to meet people. Think about it. You might not meet a Domme at the munch or club, but maybe you talk to some other random people and they get a really good impression of you. Say these people just happen to know of a Domme who is single and/or looking for (a/another) sub, they just might mention you to this woman and introduce you to her at some point. Avoid asking people if they know someone who is looking for a sub, unless you know these people well and know they think well of you. If you're a stranger to them, chances are great that they won't tell you about that possible Domme. Generally, they probably won't send a complete stranger they know nothing about to their friend.
Also, being active and willingness to get to know people will show many of us that you are serious about this and not just another wanker or a man looking for someone to fulfill the fantasies his wife/girlfriend won't do.
And remember, most of the people in the scene are in the same shoes as you. Many have friends/family/colleagues and several other reasons not to let people outside know about their bedroom activities. That doesn't stop them from joining the scene. And many clubs have rules about not outing people and not revealing things about other members without their permission.
I'm sure there are things I've forgotten, but these are some random thoughts about the issue of dating.
Anyways, they do ask, and I sometimes even bother to reply (sorry guys, but since I've got better things to do than play I'm 'Ask Laura', I never guarantee a reply to something that doesn't really interest me). There is a book for the girls called The Kinky Girl's Guide to Dating, written by Luna Grey. It's a funny book, and there really should be one for the boys as well, so I wouldn't have to get all these questions (which I bet they've asked a gazillion other ladies as well!).
My good advise: Join online networks and participate in the forums. Write a good profile showing a bit of who you are, making you unique, and do NOT come across as anything near desperate. Sounding at least partly intelligent might be a good idea too ;-P Basically, what I mean is, don't write some crap like "30, M, sub, looking for strict Domme to give me hard discipline with a whip and fuck my ass with a strap-on." No, no, no... That's not even remotely intelligent, lad. Try something like:
"Hi! I'm (nick) and I live in (general area (tis' the Internet, so better not be too specific)). I'm (age) old and I'm (a student/working/etc). I consider my personality to be such and such. My interests are (insert the most important interests here). (Insert some more vanilla bla, bla, bla).
Within BDSM I'm a (sub/masochist/whatever). I became interested in this part of sexuality (time) ago, and I have (no/some/long/or more specific time) experience. For me, BDSM is (a spice in the bedroom with some kinky play now and then/a lifestyle/a way of self-realization/whatever).
I am currently looking for a Domme who is looking for a sub for (serious relationship/BDSM on a friendly basis/random play/whatever).
Cheers,
(nick)"
Note that this profile doesn't mention specific activities, most Domme's I know prefer talking about activities at a later time, when they know some more about the sub. Myself, and the Dommes I know, are more interested in what the person can offer as a person, regardless of BDSM. If we get interested in more than plain friendship we'll either bring the subject up ourselves or wait for the sub to do so (be careful to wait with that till you feel certain she is interested, and don't wait too long, so it's not a hard fall if you're not compatible at all).
However, if you're simply looking for random play, it might be a good idea to include the most important activities as well as your absolute levels.
Another point: If you're not single, say so in your profile! And also mention whether this is secret from your girlfriend/wife or if she knows and is OK with it (in that case, be prepared that some Dommes will require proof). Never, ever lie about this point! And don't excuse yourself with "My wife doesn't understand me", because we perfectly well know that really means "I've never told my wife about this and I'm too scared to tell her in case she'll kick me out."
And lastly: Make it personal, don't just follow this guide to the point, make it a presentation of you. And if you have any good quotes that says something you agree with, add it at the bottom. It could be from a philosopher, some sort of science or from literature, or even a poem.
Another way of meeting Dommes is becoming active in the BDSM societies. Go to a munch, a club, or some other place where kinky people meet up.
"But, I want this to be secret." Ah, but there's the choice you have to make. To find a Domme you usually need to meet people. Think about it. You might not meet a Domme at the munch or club, but maybe you talk to some other random people and they get a really good impression of you. Say these people just happen to know of a Domme who is single and/or looking for (a/another) sub, they just might mention you to this woman and introduce you to her at some point. Avoid asking people if they know someone who is looking for a sub, unless you know these people well and know they think well of you. If you're a stranger to them, chances are great that they won't tell you about that possible Domme. Generally, they probably won't send a complete stranger they know nothing about to their friend.
Also, being active and willingness to get to know people will show many of us that you are serious about this and not just another wanker or a man looking for someone to fulfill the fantasies his wife/girlfriend won't do.
And remember, most of the people in the scene are in the same shoes as you. Many have friends/family/colleagues and several other reasons not to let people outside know about their bedroom activities. That doesn't stop them from joining the scene. And many clubs have rules about not outing people and not revealing things about other members without their permission.
I'm sure there are things I've forgotten, but these are some random thoughts about the issue of dating.
22/05/2007
Old blog posts resurrected III
Tis' from early fall 2006, when I discovered some guy I'd dated had a gf *s*
___
And believe it or not, I am (or rather, was) "the other woman", one of them, at least.
See, on Sunday morning I woke up to see someone totally unknown for me had called me as much as eight time during the night. I did a phonenumber search and found out that the number belongs to a girl I've never heard of in my life. I sent her an SMS to ask who she was, but received no reply.
During a break in a lecture today I was bored, so I figured I'd do a clean-out on my phone, and all of a sudden messages since Thursday started ticking in... No wonder I'd thought it was a damn quiet weekend and disappointed that friends didn't reply to my messages.... :wassat:
Anyways, messages had come in from that girl, and it appeared she's the girlfriend of a guy I flirted with after Christmas (in the start of January, so a long time ago). Apparently she'd been reading messages on his phone (what idiot actually keeps messages like that...?). Besides he was single back then (or so he'd told me).
So I replied to her that we did flirt a bit a long time ago, and then she wanted to know all sorts of details... Like exactly when, what kind of flirting, did we have sex, were we drunk or sober, and when did it happen. So I told her it was just one evening a little after Christmas, that we messed a bit, we were sober, and we had no sex. I also said I don't remember the details.
We talked a bit more over SMS and it appears they've been together for two years. And it seems I'm not the only one he's been taking liberties with. I let her know I stay far away from guys who are taken to avoid situations like this. And also told her I'd heard rumors of him going out on town with mates to mess with girls, and that he'd told a lot of people he was single just before summer.
In the end she let me know she's going to (friggin!) forgive the idiot! And not only that, she said she'd let him go on messing about with other girls if that's what she's got to do to keep him.
Good lordy girl... what the f**k do you want with a guy who obviously doesn't respect you one bit! A guy who obviously doesn't care one shit about you. A guy who doesn't even bother to remove all evidence of being unfaithful?
:angry:
___
And believe it or not, I am (or rather, was) "the other woman", one of them, at least.
See, on Sunday morning I woke up to see someone totally unknown for me had called me as much as eight time during the night. I did a phonenumber search and found out that the number belongs to a girl I've never heard of in my life. I sent her an SMS to ask who she was, but received no reply.
During a break in a lecture today I was bored, so I figured I'd do a clean-out on my phone, and all of a sudden messages since Thursday started ticking in... No wonder I'd thought it was a damn quiet weekend and disappointed that friends didn't reply to my messages.... :wassat:
Anyways, messages had come in from that girl, and it appeared she's the girlfriend of a guy I flirted with after Christmas (in the start of January, so a long time ago). Apparently she'd been reading messages on his phone (what idiot actually keeps messages like that...?). Besides he was single back then (or so he'd told me).
So I replied to her that we did flirt a bit a long time ago, and then she wanted to know all sorts of details... Like exactly when, what kind of flirting, did we have sex, were we drunk or sober, and when did it happen. So I told her it was just one evening a little after Christmas, that we messed a bit, we were sober, and we had no sex. I also said I don't remember the details.
We talked a bit more over SMS and it appears they've been together for two years. And it seems I'm not the only one he's been taking liberties with. I let her know I stay far away from guys who are taken to avoid situations like this. And also told her I'd heard rumors of him going out on town with mates to mess with girls, and that he'd told a lot of people he was single just before summer.
In the end she let me know she's going to (friggin!) forgive the idiot! And not only that, she said she'd let him go on messing about with other girls if that's what she's got to do to keep him.
Good lordy girl... what the f**k do you want with a guy who obviously doesn't respect you one bit! A guy who obviously doesn't care one shit about you. A guy who doesn't even bother to remove all evidence of being unfaithful?
:angry:
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